Mr. Goodbar
Hey everyone,
I’ve started to get back into the swing of watching movies after a bit of a hiatus, and before I start a movie I make a bag of popcorn for my wife. Before we started watching The Tutor on Netflix - one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen - I noticed how many preset button options exist on my microwave. I’ve used the popcorn button before because no one knows how long it takes to cook a bag of popcorn properly, but I stared for a while at the other eleven options. That’s right, my microwave has twelve preset options!
The more I looked at the preset buttons, I started to get upset at how much wasted real estate is taken up on my microwave by these useless buttons. I’ve never used eleven out of the twelve options, and I honestly don’t know if I would use anything other than the popcorn button. But then I thought about how many useless microwave presets must be in existence. Who normalized microwave preset buttons? Who’s making that many baked potatoes?
Microwave ovens were accidentally invented in 1945 because an engineer kept noticing that the Mr. Goodbar candy bar in his pocket would melt from the heat from a nearby radar. The first thing he deliberately tried to microwave was popcorn. This was almost 100 years ago, and that’s still the only usage for a preset button! Also, do they change the times for the preset buttons based on the wattage of your microwave? How does it know that it’s being set to the right preset times if no one knows how long it takes to make popcorn? I need answers!
Thankfully, the microwave finished cooking my popcorn and I was able to walk away from my self-imposed mental jail cell but that didn’t stop me from contemplating the state of microwave preset buttons in 2023. So I will walk through the preset options on my microwave and guess why anyone would use these. Let me know if your microwave preset buttons are different from mine, and if there are any ones in particular that you find useful.
Popcorn - The only justifiable usage of a microwave preset button. Once air fryers figure out how to make popcorn properly it’s over for microwaves.
Potato - I was kinda surprised to see this one as the second button, but the more I think about it, it’s a solid choice after popcorn. I was only thinking of baked potatoes, but there are so many other potato food types that make this one a safe choice.
Pizza - I would never trust the pizza button on a microwave. What type of pizza is it? What type of crust? How long has the pizza been in the refrigerator? How many slices are you trying to warm up at once? These are all variables that impact how long the microwave preset should be, and I refuse to believe that logic has been built into my microwave to account for all of these factors.
Frozen Entree - Again, the same logic from the pizza button applies here. There are simply way too many variables for me ever trust this button. Also, unlike potatoes and pizza, every frozen entree comes with instructions on its packaging for how long it needs to cook. This is simply unnecessary.
Reheat - I like the idea of a catch-all button on a microwave, but how is this button any different than the button that simply adds 30 seconds to whatever it is you’re cooking? If I was making something and it didn’t finish in the time I had selected, would I press the Reheat button, or would I add 30 seconds? Does the Reheat button add more than 30 seconds? I guess I’ll never know.
Veggies - What type of vegetables?! Who is getting away with putting these generic buttons on microwaves? They must be stopped.
Auto Defrost - I try to stay on top of taking meat out of the freezer and letting it defrost overnight, but I can see the utility of having this button. I’ll allow it. Also, how does the microwave know that something is done defrosting? And how does it know when to stop popping popcorn?
Fit Choice - What does Fit Choice even mean? If I simply use the process of elimination from what has its own buttons so far, this can’t be popcorn, potatoes, pizza, vegetables, or something frozen. So what the hell is it and why would I ever use this?
Snacks - I actually don’t have a comment about this button, except that it’s stupid. Also, Snacks!
Beverage - The temperature in Georgia has been over 90 degrees for so long that I forgot people sometimes drink warm beverages. Nothing better than a hot chocolate with some marshmallows floating in it. Is it fall yet?
Soften Melt - I can see this button being semi-useful for warming up bread. Do you know what also is useful for warming up bread? A toaster.
Keep Warm - How is my microwave going to determine what temperature “warm” should be, and how long do I need something to be kept warm? All from the press of a single button that is preprogrammed into the microwave? Somebody make it make sense.